P.S.

P.S. My husband did not get the VD CD this year. Wasn't feeling it. I bought myself a new iPod, though. I was the best valentine I ever had! :) I remember the VD 8 years when Travis bought me a DVD player, and we were broken up. Gawd, what an idiot.

LV 2008

I nearly forgot! I am going back out LV in May. I'm very excited!! I leave on 5/26 and return on 5/30. It's a Monday to Friday thing... the extra day mostly because of wonky flight times. Instead of getting there in the morning, we will arrive in the evening... like 5:30 or 6 p.m. on Monday. And instead of leaving in the afternoon on Friday, we leave at like... 10 a.m. And believe it or not, it was actually CHEAPER to stay the extra day. I don't know, either... Baffling.

Either way, staying at Planet Hollywood again. Yes, I know... but I'm familiar with the layout and the attached mall is a plus. I love H&M and Urban Outfitters. Right now I'm too fat for the clothes, but hopefully that will change one of these days. Speaking of change... I think I forgot my birth control pill again this morning! This is the 2nd time I've done that this week. WTF? I am not having sex, though, so I'm not worried about that. I just don't want any funny business. My stomach is about to start growling. NO GOOD. I can't eat right now.

So sick and tired of being so sick and tired

So, like every other Central Illinoisan right now... I am pissy about the weather. I mean, really. But just like everyone else, I'm done complaining about it. It does me no good, so.... why bother? We're all in the same boat. That being said....

I have fallen in love with the Cease to Desist album from Band of Horses. I bought it a while back because I heard good things about it, and put it with the rest of my CDs and didn't pick it up again for a few months. But I wish I had done it alot sooner! What a gorgeous album. It reminds me alot of The Shins, another of my favorite bands. (my favorite track on "Wincing the Night Away" is "Split Needles". Me and Jason Lee.) Seriously, if you haven't listened to this album, do it immediately. I love No One's Gonna Love You and Detlef Schrempf, in particular. Both are very calm and melancholy, and No One's Gonna Love You has such a lament to it... such a lilting, defeated sound. It gets stuck in my head anytime I hear it. Which is a pleasure, and I hate to have songs stuck in my head. It's already cluttered in there, and it has enough of its own soundtrack to fill days and days of non-stop play.

Otherwise, I picked up the Aloha album and liked that quite alot. And of course, thank goodness, Vampire Weekend lived up to the hype. I hate when albums don't live up to their buzz. I mean, it's an unfortunate way to come out of the gate anyway, but at least in that case they are as good as they've been touted. Some bands put out albums and they are just consistently great. Such as The Foo Fighters, for example. Granted, some people didn't like Skin & Bones that much, but it's a matter of taste. Do those people just not like acoustic stuff? Then they aren't going to like that album. Plain & simple. If you don't have an affinity for a style of music or type of sound, then you aren't going to find much about an album in that style that is charming.

I don't regret it.

And I did love him.

My husband is an idiot

Have I mentioned this before? Yes, he's an idiot. He's a fucking clueless asshole. My son, who is 5, has strep. I cannot get him to take medicine. In fact, he's going to have to go in for a penicillin shot tomorrow due to this. He throws up everything, including his medicine when I can actually talk him into taking it. Fuck it, I'm staying home tomorrow to ensure that this gets done. Adam is going to work. The reason I say he's an asshole is because whilst I was trying to get Aidan's medicine down him tonight, Adam was too busy playing HIS FUCKING GAME to help. Yes, he's addicted to WoW. He's unable to do anything else when that is going on. When he's raiding. Everyone I know thinks that he's a fucking lamer due to this problem. And you know what? They are 100% right. I am leaving him. For multiple reasons, but this is one of them. Let the weight loss begin!

I have nothing!

Oh, woe is me. That is, btw, linguistically incorrect. Woe is I. Which sounds ridiculous. Anyway... I am sitting here, and I have come to the realization that I have nothing and no one. I mean, my husband is punishing me for sleeping on the couch last night, I guess. Since he hasn't spoken to me today. You know what? I don't really care. I am beyond giving a shit right now. Our amazing son was trying to read last night and HE couldn't tear himself away from his game to see that in action. WTF? He did come in and watch, but then he started butting in and I was sorry I called attention to it.

I am very excited about the potential tax return and getting some of these bills paid off. And I was serious about needing moving expenses, too. However, I can't make too many plans to do something drastic until I know for sure that I have a job after Q1. I mean, it's a possibility that I won't, right? Suck, but true. And that would leave me with a P/T job at Borders. Which would actually be okay, if I were to work there full time in the interim. Pay isn't so great, but if I were to become part of IPT, that would be alright.

So what was I saying? Oh, right... I have nothing. I mean, look... Here I sit. My best friend complains that we don't talk, but she never reaches out for email, and I'm tired of doing it. Does that make me a bad friend? Maybe. I'll reach out to her. I have emailed another friend today, and have been ignored. Maybe I'll try a different one. Am I such a bad person? Am I that forgettable? I think that might be it. I don't have a spark. I'm too fat. I'm not pretty enough. I'm funny, but more so in person than via email. I can't figure out when I started to suck so bad. Why can't I quit eating crap? Why am I still so fat and gaining? Why am I unhappy in my marriage? Will being alone help me be a happier person? I wish Adam happiness as well, but I have no idea if he'll find it either.

EWWWW.... VD alert!

HA! So Valentine's Day is just about 3 weeks away, and I decided to start thinking about making the hubster the annual LUUUUUUUUURVE CD. I try not to duplicate past efforts. I mean, some of the songs I choose are older, yes... but they have not previously been chosen for inclusion in the exclusive annual CD. He does nothing like this for me, and that's fine. He knows that he would choose a bunch of crap that I don't like (because he's fairly limited) and that I am more worldly, eh... and with better taste and a better collection. So far, I have come up with the following tracks - as I said, some are older and/or well known. But they have not been put on a CD of this magnitude in previous efforts.

The One I Love - REM (natch)
Indefinitely - Old 97's
A Girl Like You - Pete Yorn
Love and Some Verses - Iron and Wine
Kissing the Lipless - The Shins
Vibrate - Rufus Wainwright
The One I Love - David Gray
God Only Knows - The Beach Boys
The Fragile - Nine Inch Nails
I'd Die Without You - P.M. Dawn
All of My Love - Led Zeppelin
Your Song - Elton John
Diamonds & Pearls - Prince
I'll Be Your Mirror - Clem Snide
In the Sun - Michael Stipe w/ Chris Martin
This is Why You Love Me - The Brian Jonestown Massacre
Somewhere Out There - Linda Ronstadt & James Ingram
Meet Me Halfway - Kenny Loggins

I know... some of that is way cheesy. But these are things that I like, and think he might like. Of course, I might have to rethink NIN. He's not too progressive, the hub. Last year, I included Question, Such Great Heights, I Will Follow You, and New Slang. Great stuff. He was a little befuddled at first, but then once I forced him to LISTEN to the songs, he dug it. Example as to why he would struggle with that stuff: His favorite band is Pearl Jam. Which, hey, they are a fine band. Personally, I think Eddie Vedder kind of sings like a goat, but what do I know? (nothing, if you ask my husband) F -i-i-i-i-i-i-i-rst k-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-iss (go head, sing it with some serious goat vibrato and you'll get it). He always says I'm exaggerating when I launch my impersonation, but evs. I'm right, and it's funny besides. I am tired yet again today, but there is nothing I can do about it. I have to finish the day and night. AI is on tonight, as is the new RR/RW Challenge, so that's pretty exciting! And of course, I know what else I have to do this evening. ((sigh)) CHORES!

Hmmm... look at that....

Looky there. It's been almost a week. Where's the time gone? I don't know, I've been working. And I can't exactly just type this in here whenever, because I do work, and no one knows about this blog. If they did, well, then I couldn't be brutally honest on it, could I?! I could... that's not right to say. I COULD, but I wouldn't feel as comfortable in doing so.

So yesterday... I get into it with Walter again. This is becoming fairly common. He dumps me as a friend, I get caustic. Vicious circle. But you know what? I'm tired of him treating me like I either have no feelings, or that I do, but are of no consequence. Perhaps not to him, but please... I'd like to keep them intact. It's a form of rejection, of course, and it smarts no matter what. I guess we're over it now, but like I said to him before. This shit is broken, and there is no way it's going to go back to what it was. It was really good. And now it's really over.

I haven't talked to J-Dub since last week, but I'm not going to bother him today. Even though I saw his oily boss last night. Seriously, I think he rinses his mop in Crisco. It's horrible. I could probably wring it out, but I wouldn't want the residue slipping off my palms. HA!

I am supposed to go see a movie tonight with my BFF, but with this bullshit cold weather, I'm thinking not. You know what I wish for? Warmth, and sunshine, and money, and no stress. I'm totally stressing now because of this whole job thing, and I'm thinking, I should just pay off these bills, right? Just in case. The other part says NO. Save the money. I think I just pay the bills as much as possible, and then when tax time rolls in, save some of that. I want to go to Pointfest this year, but I can't think of anything else. We aren't going to be able to afford anything else this year. I'd still like to do a summer weekend in STL with the kids. My sister keeps implying that we should go somewhere, just me and her. I have no money, and that's my excuse. As good as it gets, these days. I am too tired. What if I lose my job? Man, I'd look forward to being a total snoozehound. Up late, sleep late. Actually, I'd probably try to get back to school. So I can figure what I'm going to be when I grow up. Have a real career. I have always said that, and I keep having jobs. BAH!

Oooh, that reminds me. Is AI on tonight? I have to watch! The new RR/RW challenge starts tomorrow, and I have to watch that. I think I'm current on my other shows, though. Which is nice, for a change. I'm notorious for not keeping upwith my recordings. Probably because I feel no real sense of urgency, knowing they'll be there. Unlike most things in life.

Wednesday, Wednesday

I'm not quite sure what I'm writing about, so I guess it's just alot of nothing. Streaming, mindless raving. Works for me.

Show of hands for people who battle depression. Yes, me too. I think so, anyway. I think I'm in the throes of it now. I only just want to be in bed. That's all I want to do. I never want to get out of bed. I'm tired all the time, anything can make me cry, AND... I just don't care about it. I don't care about much of anything. I keep fighting with my husband, which actually isn't all that odd. I'm just fighting with him NOW and it should have been happening all along because he has definitely deserved it for years. I cannot express how true that statement is. He won't really fight back, either, which usually makes me even more mad, because really? Have you no balls? It gets irritating. I hate everyone right now, up to and including myself. My kids are exempt from that statement. Okay, I don't hate Michelle. She's the only one who doesn't change. I don't want to think about NYE again, because I made some drunk admissions that I SHOULD NOT HAVE MADE. Oh, stupid drunk conversations. The thing is... I know her opinion of me hasn't changed. I do know that I considered ending my friendship with her because of what I said to her while I was drunk. It was that bad! Oh well, from what I can tell, nothing has changed. I guess I'm not that good at maintaining relationships. I like solitude. I think my death would be unimportant and a non-event. It's really sad to know that you are not memorable to people. I mean, my family is one thing. But otherwise... I would probably be anguished at the turnout for my funeral.

Suck

What a huge wad of suck. I know I'm not alone in this declaration. But I HATE Mondays. I woke up this morning hoping, praying it wasn't Monday again. I have not been sleeping well anyway, and it just makes it worse. I think my weight gain has induced some snoring, and roused the old sleep apnea, and I'm quite tired of being so tired. Tonight, I'll plan on getting in bed around 9. I should have bought a planner yesterday. There aren't going to be any left by Thursday!! But I really need a more regimented schedule. Right now, many things are winning the battle for control of Wendi, and it's high time that I take over and run this shit how it needs to be run. My food addiction is currently in control and I can't take it anymore. I pep talk myself to death and then I just don't follow through. And I don't know why. I can't figure out why. I have to find a way to be more lucid all the time. Because sometimes when I'm binging, I'm almost trance-like. I just keep eating and eating and eating... and then I don't really remember that time spent. I know what I did, but it was totally mindless. Stuffing my face just to do it, I guess. And I'm so over it. My clothes don't fit, I shake the whole house when I walk, and sex with my husband? Forget it. I know he's getting all weird about it again, and I feel bad on one hand. On the other hand, however, I fucking HATE how he thinks I should be willing to do it. That's one part of marriage and/or relationships that I don't like. The expectations. At least of that nature. I wish I had a more kick ass job and more financial security and stability, and then I would totally bail. The weird part is: It's not for lack of love (really) or an interest in someone else. It's simply for my own selfish convenience. If I am not committed to someone, I owe nothing to anyone at all. No part of communication, no part of my body, no consideration. My kids will always matter and be important. I'm not sure what happened to me along the way. All I know is this: I am broken. We all are. Whether we fashion a work-around or seek therapy to make some sense of it all... I don't know. I suppose I have devised a work around in that I just don't feel certain things. I experience them, I effectively deal with them, and then I compartmentalize them. Do I feel close to breaking right now? In a weird way, I do. I have never felt this way. I don't really feel unstable. I just feel like, a little bit, I am slowly losing my mind. Who do you tell that to?

Banner FREAKIN' Week

I don't know about anyone else, but my new years has been many things, and HAPPY is not really one of them. What I mean to say is this: LIFE SUCKS. Common refrain, we all feel the pain. I know.

So what happened? Well, it went something like this - I woke up sicker than a dog on NYD. Sore throat, achy, puking, chills, fatigue. Then it developed into this horrible sinus infection and ear infection. I mean, just horrifying. So that's how it all started.

Secondly, as I posted 2 days ago... I lost a friend. And no condolences are necessary, becuase it's not as if he died. But our friendship did I guess, and so now he has just extricated himself in one fluid motion. Now he's just gone. Not talking to me or anything. Which, whatever, but it's not very mature. I feel like he just needs to man up about stuff, but that's not his fragile little nature. He becomes and stays obsessed by/with people or things or whatever, and I think right now, I'm not an attachment for him so it's easy to shut himself down, to stop talking to me at all. STILL HURTS!

And lastly.... During my annual performance review yesterday, I was basically told that I need to prove myself and my job relevant, or we are both out of here. My timeline: by the end of March. Wow. I've been at this company almost 10 years. And I've seen it happen before, that loyalty means nothing here, and neither does your level of knowldege. I suppose I just thought I might never see it firsthand. Way to make your employees feel valued! What's next? Wanna go practice killing baby squirrels? Wanna go pluck ducklings?

Also, lest I forget, I'm getting fatter by the day. It's really disgusting. I need to focus. And get back on a sensible eating plan, and actually follow it. I would like to lose 40 pounds by June. That is totally doable.

Friendship

You know, all my non-existent readers, I never thought I would see the day that a friendship would end within the realm of "It's not you, it's me." But I'll be damned if I don't have one of those on my hands. Ummm, right? So how did this happen? I mean, seriously? It's not you, it's me?? I haven't ever even been DUMPED that way. Well, not exactly. I've gotten the ole "You're too good for me" speech, which I just cut short to say "You're right, you're not good enough for me" and that was that.

This, though... this goes beyond my wildest. I mean, someone I've been friends with almost 10 years, someone that has seen me during some tough times, has tried to be a good friend, offer encouragement and/or support, and in general been a stand up guy. I have tried hard to be nothing but a great friend to him, and due to a series of events about a month ago, all of a sudden, one would think that I have leprosy or something. He is barely talking to me, and it hurts. He can't figure out any other way to deal with his issues but to shut me out, I guess, and I really feel rejected. He doesn't want to talk about it, so if we do talk and he feels the conversation is heading into a place that he doesn't want to deal with right then, he just shuts down. What I mean to say is that in all this bullshit, he's being a horrible friend. I literally feel nauseous from the whole thing. I've had friendships die out before, but this is my first experience with having one ripped away and I feel a bit eviscerated.

The bad part is: I'm beginning to get angry. I hate weakness in people. And in this case, it's not because it's something that I dislike in others because I see it in myself. I'm not a weak person, not like that. I guess I can see now how this kind of situation can lead to desperate measures from a frustrated person. I have been unfair to someone in the past. Not cool. But in this case right here, he's going to keep pushing me further and further until I'm just done. We will not be friends anymore. It's really unfortunate, because I don't think he knew that he was one of my favorite people ever, and I'm not telling him now. In fact, I am not talking to him right now because I feel like lashing out at him, to make him feel badly about himself or how he's acting towards me. Or something. He already has esteem issues, and I would love to trounce all over them right now. Mean-spirited, I'm not. But in this case, I really don't feel very kind towards him. The only drawback to that would be the fact that he does know a few things about me that would be embarrassing for others to know, so I don't want to offend him so greatly that he unleashes that information. GAWD, that's why I don't like to give others much personal information about me. None at all, really. Because it can always be used against you later. Always. Dammit. I broke my own fierce rule and I regret it. In fact, I'm going to address that right now. Maybe, if he'll answer me. I just want to finalize things. I'm going to let him off the hook and then ask him politely to promise me that things said in confidence between us shall remain that way. I think it's the only way. I can't go on being friends with someone who can treat me that way, and I really don't deserve to be treated badly. I have few friends as it is, and the numbers are dropping every year. I mean, really... I have Michelle left. That's about it. I would probably consider Andi to be a good friend, and probably Amy. I like Ashley alot, too. But at this time, our relationship is pretty superficial. In fact, most of my relationships are pretty superficial. It's sad, really. Isn't it?

Favorites

Favorite Beatles song: Eleanor Rigby
Favorite solo song by a former Beatles: Paul McCartney – Maybe I'm Amazed
Favorite Rolling Stones song: Wild Horses
Favorite Bob Dylan song: Stuck Inside of Mobile with the Memphis Blues
Favorite Pixies song: Where is My Mind?
Favorite Prince song: Erotic City
Favorite Michael Jackson song: Human Nature
Favorite Metallica song: Fade to Black
Favorite Public Enemy song: Fight the Power
Favorite Depeche Mode song: Personal Jesus
Favorite Cure song: Love Song
Favorite song that most of your friends haven’t heard: Angel of Music
Favorite Beastie Boys song: Paul Revere
Favorite Police song: Everything Little Thing She Does
Favorite Sex Pistols song: Anarchy in the U.K.
Favorite song from a movie: Hungry Eyes (Dirty Dancing)
Favorite Blondie song: Rapture
Favorite Genesis song: In Too Deep
Favorite Led Zeppelin song: Stairway, of course
Favorite INXS song: The Devil Inside
Favorite Weird Al song: White & Nerdy
Favorite Pink Floyd song: Another Brick in the Wall
Favorite cover song (1st): Dixie Chicks - Landslide
Favorite cover song (2nd): Counting Crows – Big Yellow Taxi
Favorite cover song (3rd): Johnny Cash - Hurt
Favorite dance song: One More Time – Daft Punk
Favorite U2 song: Sunday Bloody Sunday
Favorite disco song: Beegees - Staying Alive
Favorite The Who song: My Generation
Favorite Elton John song: Your Song
Favorite Neil Young song: Rockin’ in the Free World
Favorite Clash song: Rock the Casbah
Favorite Ramones song: Pet Sematary
Favorite David Bowie song: Let’s Dance
Favorite New Order song: Blue Monday
Favorite Nirvana song: Lithium
Favorite Snoop Dogg song: Bitches Ain’t Shit
Favorite Ice Cube song: Summer Vacation
Favorite Johnny Cash song: Ring of Fire
Favorite R.E.M. song: It’s the End of the World
Favorite Hank Williams, Sr. song: I’m So Lonesome I Could Cry
Favorite Elvis song: Foolish Minds
Favorite cheesy-ass country song: You Never Even Called Me by My Name – D.A. Coe
Favorite cheesy-ass ’70s “story” song: The Gambler – Kenny Rogers
Favorite Tom Waits song: Martha