Suck

What a huge wad of suck. I know I'm not alone in this declaration. But I HATE Mondays. I woke up this morning hoping, praying it wasn't Monday again. I have not been sleeping well anyway, and it just makes it worse. I think my weight gain has induced some snoring, and roused the old sleep apnea, and I'm quite tired of being so tired. Tonight, I'll plan on getting in bed around 9. I should have bought a planner yesterday. There aren't going to be any left by Thursday!! But I really need a more regimented schedule. Right now, many things are winning the battle for control of Wendi, and it's high time that I take over and run this shit how it needs to be run. My food addiction is currently in control and I can't take it anymore. I pep talk myself to death and then I just don't follow through. And I don't know why. I can't figure out why. I have to find a way to be more lucid all the time. Because sometimes when I'm binging, I'm almost trance-like. I just keep eating and eating and eating... and then I don't really remember that time spent. I know what I did, but it was totally mindless. Stuffing my face just to do it, I guess. And I'm so over it. My clothes don't fit, I shake the whole house when I walk, and sex with my husband? Forget it. I know he's getting all weird about it again, and I feel bad on one hand. On the other hand, however, I fucking HATE how he thinks I should be willing to do it. That's one part of marriage and/or relationships that I don't like. The expectations. At least of that nature. I wish I had a more kick ass job and more financial security and stability, and then I would totally bail. The weird part is: It's not for lack of love (really) or an interest in someone else. It's simply for my own selfish convenience. If I am not committed to someone, I owe nothing to anyone at all. No part of communication, no part of my body, no consideration. My kids will always matter and be important. I'm not sure what happened to me along the way. All I know is this: I am broken. We all are. Whether we fashion a work-around or seek therapy to make some sense of it all... I don't know. I suppose I have devised a work around in that I just don't feel certain things. I experience them, I effectively deal with them, and then I compartmentalize them. Do I feel close to breaking right now? In a weird way, I do. I have never felt this way. I don't really feel unstable. I just feel like, a little bit, I am slowly losing my mind. Who do you tell that to?